Living Together
Is moving in together an important step for a couple to take before marriage? Moving in together before marriage can be detrimental to relationships. What does the Bible say about living together before marriage?
The Living Together Option
Prior to the 1970s, it was rare for an unmarried man and woman to live together. Today, it is much more common. It is accepted as an important “next step” for couples before committing to marriage. We often assume living together can help us avoid making a mistake that could lead to a painful divorce. Is that assumption correct? How should a follower of Jesus Christ view the living together option?
THE RESEARCH
Over 75% of young, single adults include marriage as a significant life goal. Couples who move in together, however, actually decrease the possibility of creating a strong marriage. The divorce rate among those who live together before marriage is 50% higher than it is among couples who do not. Extensive research conducted by University professor and psychologist Dr. Scott Stanley revealed that couples who live together undermine a strong bond by trying to keep their options open. While many of these couples eventually slide into marriage, their relationships demonstrate the lowest marital satisfaction and survival rates and report higher rates of domestic violence and unfaithfulness. When a cohabiting woman becomes pregnant, there is a high probability the man will end the relationship within two years. Three quarters of children born to unmarried couples will see their parents split up before the child turns sixteen. These statistics are dramatically higher than the one-third born to married parents. These children are also much more likely to experience abuse. The overwhelming conclusion of most research suggests if your long-term goal is a happy marriage and family, living together is not the best path.
THE DESIGN
Christianity teaches that God designed physical intimacy to occur exclusively within the sacred commitment of marriage where the powerful bonding effects of sexuality draw the man and woman closer together. Outside of marriage, however, the bonding nature of sex confuses the relationship by implying a commitment that has not been made. Despite trying to avoid the pain of divorce, a breakup after sexual union creates similar emotional trauma. Trusting God’s design, obeying his call to honor marriage (Hebrews 13:4), and avoiding sexual immorality (Ephesians 5:3) not only draws us into closer relationship with Him but brings clarity rather than uncertainty with one another.
THE CHURCH
Many couples first question the option of living together while exploring Christian faith or local church membership. This church would love to become a resource for clarity and health in your relationship because we believe marriage is a God-ordained, sacred institution. In Ephesians 5:31-33, the Bible describes the marital bond as a picture of the love between Christ (the groom) and the church (His bride). It is much easier to nurture a strong marriage while learning and growing with other believers—especially those who are a little further down the road. Couples who have been married for a while can provide guidance and input as you make decisions about romance and marriage. They can also serve as models to those with parents who divorced or never married. Christian counselors and church leaders can also help you determine if you are ready to shift into pre-marital counseling or if you need to re-evaluate a potentially harmful relationship. In either case, we encourage you to seek wise counsel as you pursue a God-honoring marriage and family life.recommended books
The Ring Makes All the Difference
By Glenn T. Stanton
Why not cohabitate? Many believe nothing is better for their future marriage than a trial period—cohabitation. It’s the fastest growing family type in the U.S. So how’s that working out? Are people truly happier? Author Glenn Stanton offers a compelling factual case that nearly every area of health and happiness is increased by marriage and decreased by cohabitation. With credible data and compassion, Stanton explores the reasons why the cohabitation trend is growing; outlines its negative outcomes for men, women, and children; and makes a case for why marriage is still the best arrangement for the flourishing of couples and society.
This resource is ideal for those who are cohabitating or considering it, as well as pastors and counselors who need to be able to engage this issue.
Before You Live Together
By Dave Gudgel
Will living together bring you closer or drive you apart? You are about to make a decision that will take your life in a totally new direction, one that will have a lasting impact on you and someone you love. If you are wrestling with that decision, now is the time to stop and set your emotions gently aside and take time to sort through your own feelings, as well as other people's opinions about what is best for you. Candid, caring, and thoughtful, Before You Live Together is uses true stories to illustrate different living-together situations and their outcomes. It also addresses the basic questions and issues you may have asked yourself, including:
Is this the best way to find out if we are compatible?
Why do we need a piece of paper to tell us we are committed to each other?
Is it so much cheaper than paying two rents?
While this book presents biblical values in a compelling and loving way, it never lectures, but instead seeks to help you decide what is best for both of you. Read it for yourself. Read it with the one you love. Read it to make the right decision at the time when it matters most.